My sincere apologies for not being in touch in the last three weeks. I have several good excuses, but I’ll be more honest with you — my followers, my readers, my friends.
Sure, I could tell you that I gave myself a herniated disc and was in too much pain to spend any length of time at my desk. I could also tell you that I took two weeks off as a gift to myself for my 40th birthday. And, I could mention there were arrangements and errands — lots and lots of errands — for a family gathering and small get-together of close friends.
These are all true, but I know something else kept me from sharing my thoughts. As I considered this over the last week, I realized what was on my mind that stopped me from daring to share.
I have tears in my eyes at the moment, which further illustrates to me how difficult what I’ve been going through is to communicate. It’s actually not one thing, but several that simultaneously converged right before my final stretch to the big 4 – 0.
I felt compelled to hold back from speaking of them here. I was so concerned with what other people thought, with other people’s feelings. I was so afraid to offend some people, who may read the blog, regardless of what they did or didn’t do. I realized, however, that this blog wasn’t created to paint pretty pictures. And, part of having an open, honest forum is talking about the downs along with the ups.
Tonight, I quite selfishly share them with you. By expressing them here, I believe I’ll be one step closer to moving forward and leaving them behind . . . as part of my memories of a very disappointing 40th birthday. I’m sharing them in no order or importance, but as they come to mind.
Since early December, my life was filled with drama surrounding what could have been a small and simple family gathering. The amount of negative energy and unnecessary stress that came my way was unimaginable and took a toll on me. It was so bad I wanted the day to pass more than I wanted the event to take place. And, the drama continued with the plans of my family birthday gathering.
At the same time, my involvement with a local organization took a turn for the worse. Against my original better judgment, I agreed to accept a position on the 2010 Board, without full knowledge of other members or new directions. During the last few months of 2009, it became clear that I could not balance the amount of time needed to serve this group with my happiness, professional needs, and personal life. I, therefore, had to make the very difficult decision to step down before the position took effect.
One of the most important parts of turning 40 for me was doing something meaningful in honor of this milestone, something I could remember forever — more than a trip, better than a party. I chose to raise funds for a worthy cause and even requested that friends, family, and acquaintances donate to a specific charity. I finalized arrangements with the organization at the beginning of December and thought everything was in order. I then went through six frustrating weeks without receiving updates or accurate information.
After expressing my concerns, I received many apologies and explanations from the organization, which is still trying to give me a final count. I’m pretty certain we raised more than enough to sponsor a food rescue truck, but I was very upset by the inability to share the drive’s full success with donors and supporters.
If everything I mentioned above wasn’t enough, I also allowed myself to be heartbroken at the end of the year — on New Year’s Eve itself. I’m usually good at not setting expectations too high, but I subconsciously had them and was let down when they weren’t met. This, too, took its toll.
As I approached the big day, I thought a lot about what I have and haven’t accomplished in my lifetime. I live without regrets and am happy for all of the experiences I’ve been blessed with, but I gave a lot of thought to areas of my life that I would like to devote more time to and new experiences I’d like to have.
I realized that my friends who spent six months or a year thinking about their approaching 40th birthdays did not have this weighing on them during the last two or three weeks of their 39th year. They got this out of the way earlier.
As my birthday neared, I was most surprised by myself, especially my reaction to the lack of interest by my friends and family in what I realized a little too late was a very important milestone for me. Even getting friends and family members to respond for my gatherings was very irritating. Some people made me feel like they thought they were doing me a favor by attending; others needed to be asked many times before they replied.
And, other than by my mother, there was very little attention paid to my imminent change in demographic group. Maybe this was my fault, because I didn’t understand, and therefore didn’t express, what it really meant to me.
By a few days before my birthday, I realized that no one had asked me to do anything on the day itself. I never in my entire life felt so alone. Sure, it fell on a Wednesday. And, I planned my own small get-togethers for the weekend, but not one person planned anything special to mark the day.
My team at work surprised me with delicious cupcakes from Crumbs before I started my vacation. I was very moved and appreciated it.
When the big day arrived, I received many birthday posts on Facebook, which may have been the highlight of my day. Nice sentiments, but sad indeed that this should even be in the running for my 40th birthday highlights.
I received some phone calls, but I was so upset I didn’t speak to almost anyone. And, several of my close friends didn’t even call.
In the end, my parents asked me to have lunch with them, which we enjoyed at one of our favorite restaurants. But, the rest of the day and week was spent running errands, cleaning, and trying to salvage a very disappointing and boring birthday with self-pampering of spa treatments and gifts.
One of my best friends took me out to dinner over the weekend, and we had a good time, as we always do.
My get-togethers were fine. They came and went. The family one went much better than anyone expected. The one with my close friends went well, too. But, as you can tell, neither made a great impact on me. Maybe we’re not supposed to plan our own 40th birthday gatherings. I’m not sure.
So, truth be told, I’ve been overwhelmed with emotion during the last three or five weeks. Heartbroken at times. Disappointed at others. Paralyzed by trying to please everyone but myself. Afraid to express my thoughts. Unable to get passed these challenges and continue with my countdown.
Without question, one of the best gifts I gave myself as I approached the big 4 – 0 and beyond was the opportunity to start this forum to share my experiences, questions, and concerns. I can’t express how much I appreciate everyone who joined me for this extraordinary journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself and so much from many of you.
Now that you know where Countdown to 40 went during the last few weeks, you may be asking yourself what’s next. Many of you have asked me.
Well, at your request and encouragement, I will be continuing with a new blog. Over the next couple weeks, I will be deciding on its name, so the transformation of Countdown to 40 will represent our next journey.
I’ll be in touch soon and look forward to sharing the road ahead.
Thank you for your support and being part of Countdown to 40.
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